Friends

: lexlover; December 28th, 0:41

There are little things I'm not entirely privy to. Little things I pick up on when
she talks. The way her eyelids drop to halfway and stay there.
Long enough for me to know there's doubt, uncertainty, worry behind them.
She wont tell me that though.

I think about things in circles. I can't help it. Everything's from the inside out.
And I can't, for the life of me, figure out if this dance is familiar or not.
There's this new monster I'm yet to be formally introduced to.
I wonder if I'll obey this one as well. Fucking doubt it. She's not my monster.
Tag - You're it.

I'm listening to one of the sweetest voices of all time. She's swimming around
in my head while I listen. Absolutely nothing compares to being in the same
room as Jill. The laughter that crushes my stomach a million different ways,
the way I don't even have to say anything and neither does she, but we'll know
exactly what the other is thinking. I suppose that's normal for friends.
But I never get to see Jill. If you count the hours we've spent together in total,
you'll probably get 5 weeks full. Give or take. In the 5 years I've known her.

10 days in Perth is 10 days of pure, fucking, happiness.
And a perfect way to start the new year.

(no subject)

: lexlover; December 26th, 16:25

So Christmas is over. Thank fuck. I have a headache this morning.
Actually it's 2:30pm. It feels like morning because it's been raining.

There are a million and one things I have to look forward to atm.
But I'm mainly thinking about the 6th. It'll be keen.

Shortly after that, I'm gone for 10 days. I'll be in Perth with Jill.
It's going to be a completely new experience for me.
Also.. the flight is going to be fucking hellish. I can't even handle
one and a half hour flights to Melbourne, so I can't really imagine
flying five hours. I'm going to pop something to knock myself out.

Is is the 6th yet?

(no subject)

: lexlover; December 23rd, 21:53

There's this frangipani tree that meets me a little more than halfway between
the station and her house. It sprays itself across the concrete, alerting everyone
of its existence. "Yes, I'm here and I'm beautiful, notice me?" On the outside it
looks beyond beautiful and to the weak it gives deadly hayfever.

Further up there's a cat that sits waiting to meet new people with its friendly stare.
Handsome and charming, it could make anyone love it by simply being there and
not turning to run away. If you talk to it, it'll talk back. It'll always talk back.
Until it's made too many friends to keep up with and needs to dedicate its time
more cleverly. Well, some would say cleverly. Others would say stupidly.
But it's just a cat. A severely friendly cat. And it'll learn its lesson one day.

When I finally manage to cross the road, risking my life or not, I get there.
I'm nervous. The intercom talks to me nervously, softly. It's time to turn on my charm.
This means confidence and humour - I've almost learned how to make it calm her.
It'll take a lot more time and I'm definitely willing. Something I think she really doubts.
I see her. I see her demons. And I'm willing.
And no, there's no sword and shield to protect me this time.

Yesterday her and her dad gave me a tour of their house in Missouri. Holy wow.
It was beautiful. Plastered wall to wall with delicious guitars.
Everywhere you look - there are instruments. A musicians dream. Their castle.
So then she mentioned a treehouse. Off handedly mentioned a treehouse.
She doesn't know. How would I expect her to? I haven't told her. I guess I didn't find
it necessary during the 'getting to know you' stage to tell her how much I love them.
Treehouses that is. I didn't find it necessary to tell her how I used to spend most of
my time as a kid drawing up mock sketches and floorplans. Dimensions and details
of how I would go about building my own treehouse one day. That is, if I ever had a
tree big enough to do so. Truth is I never did. So that idea died. Kind of.

The raccoon? My latest scribble. People seem to like it.

(no subject)

: lexlover; December 20th, 11:46

It was almost 4am when I said goodnight and buried my face into my pillow.
Exhausted from just being. After a while I drifted off. Until something amazingly
loud woke me at 5:46am. My phone decided to sing 'Sweet Disposition' to me.
Vibrating furiously on my bedside table. I fumbled. Of course I fumbled.
If my bowels weren't already empty, they would have been.
The noise scared the shit out of me. The phone slipped between hands and fingers.
It was messy. But I needed to see who it could be. It was Dani. "she's drunk"
The thought washed over me with traces of anger. Why the fuck would anyone,
drunk or not, call me at this time. I rejected the call, turned over and closed my eyes.
She'll get the point surely. It started to sing again. I couldn't believe it, so I muted the phone.
If she was calling, I didn't want to know about it.
I wanted to know what my pillow felt like again. That would've been nice.
Instead my phone danced again. This time I had a message.
I still fumbled but with a bit more control. It was voicemail.

I listened to Dani's soft-spoken voice explaining she understood why I obviously rejected
her calls given the time. I can't really remember the rest, I honestly was starting to fall back
asleep while I held the phone to my face.

The message ended and I felt like she needed something from me. She clearly wasn't drunk.
But then why would she need me at this hour? I couldn't think and I couldn't sleep not knowing.
I messaged her. "Are you okay?" Hoping she'd reply and I could go back to sleep knowing
everything's fine. My phone danced. She was calling again. So I fucking answered.
"Hey, what's wrong?" "I don't know." "Where are you?" "I'm sitting at the Courty"
I could tell she was by herself, sitting in a courtyard alone. Well, alone with the birds and
the rest of the morning noises nobody wants to hear. She proceeded to tell me that she missed
me and missed talking to me. Not sure what that has to do with me. I've made the effort over
the past couple of weeks to talk to her any way I could. I kind of gave up after a while.
I talked softly anyway. Not because I was head-heavy with exhaustion but because if she
was in trouble, I needed to be there for her. She told me she didn't know if she was okay.
Nor what the problem was but that she wanted to see me soon. She asked me to call her
when I woke up properly. I haven't yet. But I will later.

The conversation ended and I swear my pillow ate my head in one gulp.
It took me about an hour to fall asleep again. Just saying.

Sorry this entry is so badly written.
It sounds like something R.L Stine whipped up between routine coke snorts.

(no subject)

: lexlover; December 19th, 0:02

Okay, so here we are. Re-inventing the wheel and several other masterpieces. Collapsed on a surface twice the size of the one I'm used to, I felt you there. Even when you weren't. When you'd left the room, but stayed in pysical form. It's a game I'm not used to.
No expectfuckingtations. And it feels truly amazing.

Inpurity on a Sunday. Then again on Monday. Then a plane wrestled you away from me.

But not before I felt the bricks against my back. There were traces of gum I'm sure. I faced another person, looked over her and through the people behind her. You faced your friend, caught up after months of being apart. Separate conversations - different worlds.
Neither of them noticed when your hand found mind. I noticed.

You paused halfway through writing my name in snow, pulled back and grumbled. And for two seconds, attempted to warm your finger before finishing the job. My name. In snow. "at the Grand Canyon no less"

"Blog!"
"what?"
"Update it"

(no subject)

: lexlover; December 15th, 11:55

I know it'll all be okay eventually. But the push and pull until then is exhausting.
There's a lot that goes unsaid. It builds up and bursts at the most inappropriate times.
It always leaves me the same - crying, shaking and petrified of losing her.
And it always ends the same - us talking it through. Sorting it out.
It's so exhausting but I know it'll pass with time.
And we'll be able to be friends without hurting each other constantly.
I know I wont lose her. That's not even possible. But the thought still petrifies me.

Cadence leaves for America tonight. She's gone for four weeks.
Pretty much how long I've known her. It's weird when I think about it that way.
It's going to be hard. Especially because we're together now.
I've spent the last couple of days with her. I had a great time and I'm sure she did too.

I suppose I'll get a lot of work done while she's gone. Maybe. I don't know.

In other news, I booked flights to Perth today for January.
I get to see Jill. Finally. I've never been to Perth or met any of her family.
It's always been her visiting me in Sydney or me visiting her in Melbourne.
But now that she's living back in Perth - it's been hard for me to afford to see her.
It's going to be amazing. I can't wait.

hoshi_panda

ellie

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